Of Gossip and Men
I do indeed have a problem with the ostracism of men who do not cleanly fall into that category and by default, the ostracism of women who fit too comfortably among that side of the spectrum.
Although I am naturally introverted, I do love having conversations with other people. The exchange of words with one another invites people into how we see ourselves and our place in this world. In just a one-minute dialogue, we can give others a glimpse of our morals and beliefs. Our perception of masculinity and what it means to be a man is one of many foundational beliefs that has always been peculiar to me. I suspect that’s because as a heterosexual-identifying woman, it was always insulting when others would appoint certain elements of my being as masculine.
The more that I dug into that frustration, I realized I wasn’t genuinely frustrated with having some masculine characteristics. I was merely hurt by the implied association. Because to be manly as a woman implied that you were doing womanhood all wrong. After all, we judge manliness as it compliments us. We pinpoint men and women on a spectrum of masculinity and femininity. Depending how far he deviates from our perceptions of manliness, we assess his value. Conversely and by default, how close she is to manliness can alter her perceived value.
I’m not going to lie, the standard is high for men to be men. After all, we look to men to be providers, and so his physicality and strength weigh into his ability to meet such standards. To be clear, I don’t have an issue with associating masculinity with providing, with protecting, or with strength. But, I do indeed have a problem with the ostracism of men who do not cleanly fall into that category and by default, the ostracism of women who fit too comfortably among that side of the spectrum.
Chapter 1. Catching Her Eye
Just after settling into my couch my phone started to vibrate and chirp. Before I could even reach over to grab it, it chirped again. It had to be my group chat. My first thought was to ignore it. It was a Sunday morning. This was my only chance to catch up on all the mindless TV that I missed throughout the week. But, of course my curiosity wanted to know what today’s group gossip included.
I grabbed my phone and entered my passcode. A string of texts popped up from my friends.
“Just saw your little friend.”
“He looked good.”
“Too bad, he’s not into women.”
“What?!”
“He might be. He said he got out of a relationship recently.”
“But a relationship with who though?”“His ex is clearly a woman.”
“It’s NYC. Now you know, that doesn’t mean a thing.”
“And the way his eyebrows were perfectly lined up.”
“Maybe he likes to look good.”
“He’s just a little too pretty for me.”
“He’s tall though.”
“But skinny as a toothpick. If he can’t pick me up, it’s a hard pass.”
Needless to say, not one of my friends pursued nor entertained the man in question.
Chapter 2. The Family Guy
In your early thirties, or at any transitional age, you begin to reminisce on how far you’ve evolved from your earlier days. While changes are not always monumental, there is a distinct line between life in your twenties and thirties (or at least it seems as you live through it). I thought about that more as I sat at a table stuffing cake in my mouth at a birthday party my friend was throwing for his five-year old son.
We grew up together and it was remarkable to see him transition from throwing birthday parties at a strip club to now throwing Batman-themed birthday parties in his backyard. After helping open his son’s gifts, his son and the rest of the kids ran freely around the yard again, deeply immersed in the comic-thrilled adventures of Batman and Robin. The rest of us (i.e., the adults), gathered in a circle of lawn chairs.
“I can’t believe he’s already five.”
“Yup, he’s grown now.” The group laughed. “Nah, but time flies when you’re having fun.”
“It’s mind blowing to see you as a Dad. You are the same man who had a different woman on your arm each month.”
“I know, but fatherhood changes you.”
“I see.”
“No really. Fatherhood will grow you into a man.”
“For me in my life right now, the most manly thing I can do is make it home to be a father to my child,” echoed another father.
“Agreed…I have responsibilities now.”
“I mean, you always had responsibilities.”
“Yeah…but now my decisions and actions are through the lens of my kids.”
Fatherhood is the role for many of us that further enforce the expectation to see men as the protector. That’s not to say that a woman would see herself any differently in a mothering and parenting situation. Regardless of gender, the requirements of parenthood are daunting, and increase the pressure to take on responsibility. So, I suppose anyone would step into protection mode.
I think what is most unique about our conversation though is that associating responsibility, order, and structure in his household were all requirements of fatherhood, and thus manhood.
And let’s face it, as a man, there is a lot more wiggle room to leave a child especially given if one is not physically carrying it. So, to make the conscious decision to not only stay but to step up as a leader, moves the needle towards masculinity. We expect fathers to handle things, and take care of our needs as children, as partners, and as spectators.
Chapter 3. Bring Home the Bacon
It’s Friday night. I had no plans. My roommate was out of the house so I had the house to myself and I scarfed down take-out from Artichoke pizza, which was my favorite pizza spot at the time.
Mid-chew, I heard the door open. My roommate, with a disgruntled look painted on her face, joined me in the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine.
“So…how was the date?”
“Urghhh, terrible.”
“Why?!”
“He’s a teacher. I hate male teachers.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I’m not trying to financially support him. He needs to be bringing in at least the same amount or more than me.”
“Are these your women’s reparations?”
“Yup.”
“Did you all have a good time?”
“Yeah, it was fun. He’s cute. We had a good convo. But it’s just not going to work.”
“So, you’re not going to try it again and see how your relationship develops?”
“I know what I want.”
To no one’s surprise, that was their last and only date.
Acknowledgements
Flashing back to chapters in my life, I’ve been able to zoom in on my own words and how I subscribed to society’s expectations of masculinity. I’d like to thank every man and woman in my life who challenged the idea of masculinity, and as such, femininity. As you continue to push boundaries around what have been traditionally-used terms for describing men and women, you’ll continue to set a pathway forward for the relationship between the two. Such a relationship cements our human desire to see masculinity in relation to femininity, as they balance each other.
And lastly, thank you to the manly men in my life who got me to see, “masculinity as the seed and femininity as the soil, both having to be fertile, neither more or less important than the other.”
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All this...so true. I love how your post calls our own stereotypes into question.
The children are leading the way, creating change by actively questioning what gender is, the fluid spectrum of it all. I’m quite a bit older than you and my generation seems to have our judgments firmly established about a ‘real man/woman’. How ridiculous.
I am thankful to be able to watch the shift of this way of thinking.
Having raised two boys to adulthood your article made me wonder...nurture? Nature? They are both men your friends would want to date (very masculine) although they had liberal parents. How much of that is our imprint? A discussion for another day perhaps!!
Thanks for your enlightening article.