Nine Mirrors

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. Objects in the mirror are deeper than they appear. Objects in the mirror are not always as they appear.

Gazing in the mirror is a humbling moment. Not only did I notice the blemish that stained my face overnight, my bloated stomach as it held the many glasses of wine from the weekend, and the new, gray streaks of hair splattered throughout my head, I could also see tracks of my journey in every piece of me.

“Focus on things you can change and don’t worry about things you can’t.”

I had a friend who found value based on her ability to please a man - not just sexually, but her ability to captivate, entertain, and nurture a man. That fed her self-worth. For a while, I tried to diagnose her. I tried to analyze the relationship with the men she grew up with. Was it that she wasn’t loved and thus yearned for love? I knew her parents divorced when she was younger, but despite that, she seemed to have a loving relationship with both. She never even hinted at the sight of drama.

As our friendship grew, many elements of her upbringing started to unveil themselves. She was constantly blamed and ridiculed for being too promiscuous at a young age, a criticism that followed her throughout her adult life. 

The years continued to pass and her behavior did not change. I wrestled with the reality that I didn’t have the tools to change her mentality. It wasn’t a role that I was intended to play in her life. I dreadfully gave her space to seek out her own help. It wasn’t my favorite role, playing the supportive friend from afar, but a necessary one. To this day, she pops in and out of therapy. So, maybe my role was fulfilled.

“You’ll never be too wise.”

When I was in preschool, I mastered the ability to tie my shoes.

When I was in elementary school, I mastered the ability to jump rope.

When I was in middle school, I mastered the ability to advocate for myself.

When I was in high school, I mastered the ability to drive myself.

When I was in college, I mastered the ability to manage my time.

When I was in my twenties, I mastered the ability to balance my social and professional life.

While I’m in my thirties, I have mastered the ability to know that I am not a master at all.

“Our time on this Earth is limited. Be intentional and make the most out of your days.”

I’m a vivid dreamer. In what is one of my most memorable dreams, I was at a movie theater with my family. Sitting in front of a wide, black screen, we all waited for the movie to start. Not long after, an announcement over the PA system urged everyone to vacate.

In the scurry of multiple families leaving the theater, I lost my own family in the crowd. Ruins from a surrounding fire met us as we stepped outside. Before I could locate anyone, I woke up to dampened sheets, unsure if I was in my dream or my own reality. (an Inception maybe?)

I was plagued by my gut-wrenching imagination and the mound of stress that awaited me. Throughout that day, my dream would not escape me. Between meetings, I texted my family and multiple group chats. Around noon, I took a walk around the neighborhood. In the early evening, I walked to the grocery store; it was going to be a pasta and wine night. I put on a playlist as I cooked and rewatched random episodes from my favorite shows. 

Honestly, not much work was accomplished that day. Though, when I woke up the next day, I couldn’t remember last night’s dream. 

“Rely on your community. Ask for what you need.”

It takes a village to raise a child.

It takes a community to nurture adults.

“Treat problems as opportunities.”

A couple of years ago, I moved out of a two-bedroom apartment and into what is now my studio apartment. Moving fees were hefty so I withdrew funds from my 401K. I hadn’t quite learned the trick of loaning from yourself, so instead I withdrew funds directly from that account. When my accountant predicted my return, the tax penalties that I would’ve owed exceeded every yearly return that I’ve ever had.

Over the next couple of months and leading up to tax season, I paid Uncle Sam a couple hundred. In the same months, I deposited more into my retirement than I usually would in an effort to strike out what I was going to owe.

I didn’t get to travel that year and my budget was extremely tight. But, my most stressful financial year also became my most financially rewarding year. When tax season came around, my debt was absolved, my retirement funds doubled, and I had finally finished decorating what was my new home.

“See the bigger picture. Maintain perspective. Nothing is as important as it may seem.”

It’s rare that I refer to men as serial monogamists. In fact, the only man who I’ve ever described even remotely close to that was an elementary school friend. Since I’ve known him, he has been in a relationship. Even in between relationships, he would call to weep and tell me that he refused to date anyone else because he needed to mourn the lost love of his life.

Last summer, I attended a wedding for that same friend. I guess, love has its own narrative.

“Stay calm when trouble arises. Expect it, be prepared for it.”

This past Independence Day, I made my way to upstate New York with a couple of friends. I love to take opportunities where I can mute the ringing sirens that invade my apartment. We stopped at a park to walk a trail and hopefully catch a glimpse of a waterfall. About mid-trail, we spotted a deer and its fawn. I thought aloud how crazy and intense it must be as a deer to have to constantly resituate yourself and family in a new part of the woods in order to survive.

I learned that instead of fearing the idea of what I see as constant upheaval, deer are dedicated to their escape strategies. Typically, they move around forests to familiarize themselves with different routes and when predators approach, they run away at a high speed down an already explored pathway, taking twists and turns that confuse their predator. They close gaps of uncertainty and train for nature’s inevitable. Maybe their survival is not as chaotic as I thought.

“Remember what you have. Be grateful.”

✓ My Goal at 5 years old: Ride a bike 

✓ My Goal at 16 years old: Get my drivers license

✓ My Goal at 21 years old: Graduate from college

✓ My Goal at 25 years old: Experience a new city

✓ My Goal at 30 years old: Be financially independent

“Don’t take things personally.” 

At a former job, I had a very tumultuous relationship with my boss. In preparation for each meeting with her, I proactively created agenda topics and raised questions that I had about any needs of the organization. I arrived early every day and left an hour later than everyone else each day. But, for some reason, we just couldn’t see eye-to-eye. 

In our yearly reflection, before she began to give feedback about my performance, she started the conversation to say “I think there’s an opportunity for me to be more supportive.” To this day, I never really know how to respond –or if I should even respond, when managers share feedback about themselves. It just feels awkward for me to weigh in and critique them. Though, she continued the conversation, “for the past couple of months, my husband and I have been trying to expand our family and we were successful.” 

I smiled, and wanted to reach out and hug her, but quickly stopped myself when I saw her eyes drop towards the table. She didn’t pick them up but skeptically continued, “until a couple of weeks ago.” 

I had no words; feelings of grief and sympathy paralyzed my body.