Men Aren't Toxic, They're Simple

What gives men the illusion that they present as simple is their lack of space to vent and organize their emotions.

Aubrey Drake Graham — I am triggered!

Okay, okay…maybe I’m being a little dramatic; I’m not actually triggered or even surprised that Drake came out with another album capitalizing on toxic masculinity. But, the album did give me deja vu. Before you scroll away, I promise this post isn’t going to be about me complaining about my experience with dating men – I’ll save that for another day. 

I was listening to Drake’s For all the Dogs album this past weekend – (I know, I know…it was my guilty pleasure and I definitely had the song Rich Baby Daddy on repeat. Don’t judge me). After getting through each track, the entire tone reminded me of a conversation I had a couple weeks ago when I was out with my girls. We made our way to a bar in Little Italy to celebrate my birthday.

Shout out to all my fellow Libras, I hope you all get to enjoy this moment to celebrate yourself as you rotate another year around the sun!

That night, my girls invited two of their guy friends. With drinks in hand at an Irish bar, we were surrounded by men in every corner. We watched as the men around the bar tried to approach different women – some used corny pick-up lines, some offered to buy a drink, and others waited for women to become inebriated enough so they would appear more desirable. We watched one older man hit on each young woman that sat at any of the empty three seats next to him. Each woman happily walked away with a sponsored drink. 

Thoroughly entertained by the silver fox, we continued our casual conversation and somehow stumbled into the topic of how men are positioned to be toxic. And by stumbled I mean I unapologetically made that claim without any hesitation.

In re-hashing that conversation in this space, let me just clarify that I do not believe that all men are toxic. I’ve had the privilege of meeting men with great character and I was raised with incredible men around me who set a very high standard. 

So, as I led my girls and their guy friends deeper into the conversation, one of the guys made the claim,

“Men aren’t toxic; we’re just simple.”

“We’re not as complex as women because we don’t get in our feelings like y’all do,” he continued. 

If you’re not already rolling your eyes with a smirk on your face, I encourage you to at this point. 

What gives men the illusion that they present as simple is their lack of space to vent and organize their emotions. To repress our innate human feelings is not a natural way to live. Basic human behavior is to experience emotions and oftentimes, complex emotions.

While attempting to give this particular man space to vent his shallow feelings, I stood firm in my belief. I think most men, and really most people, walk through life doing the best they can. However, our experiences and environments often shape how we perceive our reality and influence our actions. Men experience an incessant pressure to disregard and avoid emotions altogether and their environment doesn’t always offer the tools to be emotionally vulnerable. That in itself breeds toxicity.

I’m not one to bash men or anyone honestly; it’s not in my character. But, I also can’t ignore the systemic trends that we see with men treating love too lightly due to fear or ignorance. The resistance to not see and embrace one’s own emotions creates a cognitive dissonance that makes things appear more simple than they are. When you “brush an issue under the rug,” you’re not eradicating the issue, you’re stuffing it in and it will resurface at some point in the future.

Men’s repressed emotions often manifest themselves in obsessive desires for female attention, in hedonistic lifestyles that allow them to escape from their reality of confusion or discontent, or in an obsessive desire to dominate. 

Men don’t have an outlet to express their emotions in the same way that many women have in our circles. They have no way to organize their emotions and often struggle with the language to express why they feel the way they do. As a survival tactic, they interpret their actions as normal behavior because they haven’t had many examples that contradict that belief. By failing to express and organize their own emotions, they see that as being “simple” or thinking with simplicity.

I disagree. Emotions are complex. Even with a mature toolkit and the right skills, there is nothing simple about dealing with emotions. And, someone’s choice to not publicize their emotions does not equate to simplicity.

I do believe some men have an innate ability to be great leaders and protectors, but if that’s the role some men are going to take on, it’s imperative to understand that leadership and protection require emotional vulnerability. You’ve got to be in tune with the people that you are leading. It’s a necessary skill for conflict resolution and for honest communication. To see yourself as merely simple does not allow for the level of vulnerability, quality conflict resolution, and productive communication required to lead.

I also believe that men are capable of feeling love, jealousy, hurt, pain, and anxiety. But, if you can’t recognize any of those feelings because your environment doesn’t embrace such behaviors – you will begin to dilute what you are feeling and show up inauthentically out of survival.

I’ve seen memes around the ‘Gram’ where women have touted and made fun of men being in their “soft boy era.” Listen - I’m not the one to take myself too seriously, as I found it funny too. However, by not allowing a man to express how he feels – whether that is feeling alienated, hurt or rejected, that is not something to dismiss. It’s dangerous for men and women to dismiss emotional men as being “soft.” They are allowed to be soft and in touch with their feelings.

The more we encourage this idea that men can and should feel, I am hopeful that we will begin to see less adult, male tantrums manifested through infidelity, emotional unavailability, or selfish passivity. When we teach our boys to just be tough and to ‘suck it up’ – we teach them to avoid their inevitable feelings, to avoid love and loving. We need to stop sending men subtle messages that it’s ok for little boys to cry but not for adult men. A man’s hall pass for sensitivity should never expire. 

For all the women– as you yearn to love and to be loved, how are you creating a vulnerable space for yourself and the men in your life? 

And for all the dogs men – how are you creating space to learn and the will to change?